The Fellowship of the BlingBling
by Rider of Reality
Summary: Caution! Not to be read by those who are free of a sense of humor, or by those who are not gassy! For demented and easily-humored eyes, only! ;-)


In a time when the story was better...

A story based upon the LotR movies... my greatest apologies to those who are hard-core to the books, but I cannot find the time to spoof all that Tolkien wrote, and find it much easier to slander the movies. Mind you, I have re-arranged, severely edited, and taken away much of the storyline to make this palatable, so, yes, liberties were taken. But hey, it's funny! Enjoy!

The Fellowship of the Bling-Bling

Bilbo Baggins was a generally nice critter. He was quiet and all that, and a general lover of small burros, due to his journey accounted in "A Hobbit's Tale, There and Back Again," but we don't care about that story at the moment, do we? Would we also care that he was a general lover of burritos, too? Now, you see, the only reason I'm blathering about this is because he had a lovely piece of bling-bling; a golden ring, that made him pop into thin air whenever he put it on. This was indeed useful to him, but not to the other hobbits of Hobbiton, due to the fact that even though Bilbo had disappeared, his lingering odor due to previously-eaten burritos remained.

One day, at Bilbo's party, the old hobbit himself put the ring on as a joke. The guests – being severely drunken and somewhat stoned – found it to be not as hilarious as Bilbo thought it was, even though at the very moment Bilbo was sitting on a hilltop, farting and giggling riotously until his ribs hurt. Not to be 'crude', for it was, after all, a fact. Back at his hobbity-hole, Gandalf the 'Greyt' was standing there, all unhappy-like.

"You done gonna get smote one of these days," said Gandalf.

"I smite, you smite, he smites, we done smote," giggled Bilbo, farting again.

"You'd better give that ring to Frodo," said Gandalf.

"But it's my precious!" cried Bilbo, almost at the point of being perturbed.

"All right, that's it," said Gandalf, quite peeved, and he snatched the ring and put it in an envelope.

"Sneaky Gandalf... stole our precious... we wants it..." snarled Bilbo, but he soon gave a fart and felt much better. He then took his cap and coat and hippity-hopped out to Rivendell, singing:

_If I had a hammer!_

_I'd hammer in the morning!.._

It was now that Frodo came along.

"My, what lovely bling-bling!" said he, as Gandalf gave him the envelope.

"Don't put it on, na'mean?" stated Gandalf as he trotted out to do some research. When Gandalf returned, Frodo was just coming back from the lodge, somewhat drunk. Gandalf took the envelope and threw it in the fire. Frodo staggered to a chair and propped himself up on it, yodeling innately. Gandalf took the ring from the fire, and put it in Frodo's unsteady hand.

"What do you see?" he asked.

"Hello? Anyone hooome?" drawled Frodo before passing out on the floor.

"I feared as much," sighed Gandalf, standing up. "It's a ring of power, scratched from the butt-crack of doom. You must take it back there and destroy it." Not to be 'crude,' but it was, after all, a fact.

Frodo sat up with a start. "Then I know what I must do!" he stated gravely. "I'll make a sign that says, 'Just say "No" to crack'." And with that, Sam began to snigger.

Gandalf yanked the rather obese creature through the window and said, "Boy, you done 'bout got yourself keelhauled!" And Sam sniggered again.

"Black Riders are out to get you..." Gandalf said to Frodo, and told this tale:

'You see, a cloaked man on a great, black horse came to the door of Farmer Maggot and said, "Shire... Baggins..."

And when the blunt hobbit didn't understand, he responded, "Say what?"

It was at that point that the Black Rider cleared his throat and said, "Beg pardon, old chap, but could you direct me to the residence of a Baggins in the Shire?"

To this the enlightened hobbit replied, "Why certainly! Down the long dirt road, to the left, across a plank bridge, through the grassy knolls, and it's the second hobbit-hole on the right. You can't miss it."

"Thank 'e kindly," replied the Rider, and rode off.'

"But, that would lead them here!" cried Frodo, sobering up.

"No duh," replied Gandalf.

So Frodo and Sam began the quest to destroy the ring. They met up with Merry and Pippin, who were a bit drunken, too. As Gandalf instructed, they went to Bree. On the way, they met up with a Black Rider.

"Will you be my pal?" asked the Rider.

"No," replied Frodo. But the Rider followed them once they began to leave him.

"Will you be my pal?" asked the Rider.

"No!" said Frodo, and tried to go on. But still the Rider followed.

"Will you be my pal?"

"NO!" cried Frodo, now running for the Bucklebury Ferry, in hopes to lose the nosy Rider. But the Rider's superior horse overtook the hobbits, and was soon trotting beside them.

"Will you be my pal?"

Frodo sighed, and slowly turned to face the Rider, an utterly-beaten look on his face. "Yes," he said in a tone as beaten as his look. The Rider turned his invisible face to look back at the hobbit.

"Liar." Then the Rider's superior horse reared up to promptly squash the hobbits. The hobbits, wishing not to be squashed, fled. The Rider was hot in pursuit until the hobbits jumped onto the Ferry and paddled quickly away. The Rider saw a second Rider coming, and the second Rider pulled his superior horse next to the first Rider's superior horse.

The two looked at each other.

"Will you be my pal?"

At the inn of the Prancing Pony, Frodo met a man. The man swiftly mugged Frodo and took him to a room.

"Are you pumped up?" the man began to ask Frodo.

"Unhand him, or I'll have you, Longshanks!" cried Sam, bursting into the room with Merry and Pippin following him.

"Not yet, you fool," said the man.

"Oh, sorry," Sam apologized, and went back into the stairwell and closed the door.

"Are you pumped up?" the man asked Frodo.

"Well, I wasn't expecting a Spanish Inquisition," replied Frodo.

"Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition!" cried Sam, bursting into the room, followed by Merry and Pippin.

"You have a stout heart, but do you know who I am?" asked the man. The hobbits answered negative.

"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, grandson of Bearagorn, great-grandson second cousin third nephew's eighteenth uncle, twice removed of Pharaborn." The hobbits were in awe. That night, the nine Black Riders -- aka Ebon Humanoids, aka, Ring-Wraiths – decided to drop into the hobbits' room. The Wraiths stabbed the hobbits that were lying in the beds, and then the Riders flipped the beds. Feathers flew everywhere from the pillows that lay under the covers! The Wraiths stepped back and scratched their heads.

"Would you look at that?" Said Number One. "The little buggers turn into feathers when you stab 'em!" Numbers Two through Nine muttered their agreement. At that moment, Mr. Butterbur entered. All nine Wraith-heads turned towards him.

"Will you be our pal?"

On a watchtower, Frodo woke up to see Sam and company eating around a fire. To his right, Aragorn stood in a circular group with the Nine Ring-Wraiths, chatting amiably.

"And so I said to Elrond, 'Look, me and my sweetheart have got it going, and it ain't gonna change any time soon,' and ooh, you should have seen the look on his face!" laughed Aragorn. The Nine burst into laughter until Number One turned his head to see Frodo.

"Hey! There's that chap who won't be our pal! Let's run him through, eh, fellows?" Number One said.

"Eh!" agreed the other Eight, and Number One ran Frodo through.

"Daggone!" said Aragorn, and took Frodo to Arwen's horse, Asfaloth (who was really Glorfindel's horse, but this is after the movies, so I must grouse in silence.) The superior horse took Frodo to the home of Elrond, and Aragorn, Sam and company all followed. Then came the Council of Elrond. After much babbling, Frodo decided to take the ring to the butt-crack of doom. Gimli the short, furry dwarf, Boromir the tall, furry man, Aragorn the dark, furry man, Sam and company the short, furry hobbits, and some blond jerk all went along with Frodo.

"So it shall be," said Elrond. "You shall be the Fellowship of the Bling-bling."

Through trial and error, but mostly error, The Fellowship came to Moria. But Gandalf couldn't open the little gate-latch that held the doors together, so they had to wait. Merry, being bored, threw a stone into the lake that was next to the Doors of Moria, and that little piece of igneous thunked the Watcher on the head. The Watcher, being irritable, snatched the first hobbit he saw: Frodo.

"Unhand him, creature!" cried Boromir, rushing in to hack off arms of the Watcher, and Aragorn followed. The blond jerk, whose name was Legolas, I think, simply fired arrows at the creature. He missed and got Frodo instead. Then the Watcher opened his mouth and dropped Frodo in, swallowing the hobbit whole and happily sinking down. The Fellowship, slightly in awe, was relieved.

"Well, there goes the ring! Hurrah, back to Rivendell we go!" said they, but at that moment the Watcher spit Frodo up like so much bad couscous! So, through Moria the Fellowship went, until the Balrog came. Then Gandalf took the Balrog on himself, feeling big at the time. The rest of the Fellowship ran on, while Gandalf fell down a crack with the Balrog. And there was much rejoicing.

After going through a frightful ordeal with Galadriel, the remaining Fellowship went on, a little bit shaken. After all, that Galadriel was a creepy critter. But she gave nice gifts, and the Fellowship went to a little river bank. The uruk-hai – some of the most loyal creatures Middle-Earth has ever seen, even if they were a tiny bit dull – grabbed the first two hobbits they saw, impaled Boromir, wrote some graphite on the trees, trashed a local Bruegger's Bagels, then ran off, giggling and farting. Not to be 'crude,' but it was, after all, a fact. Frodo and Sam, being cowards, got into a boat and went across the bank to finish their job. Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas ran after Merry and Pippin, even though the two hobbits were giggling and farting along with the uruks, for they were all an amiable bunch.

So ended The Fellowship of the Bling-bling.

Coming soon: The Loo Towers!

The Loo Towers

Now, all stories generally have a nice beginning, but it is not so with this one, for it is merely a continuation of Fellowship of the Bling-Bling. Here it's gets complicated, so you might be wanting to get your burrito now and settling done with some Beano, for it may be a while before you are able to access the restroom again.

In following Frodo and Sam: Being worthless little creatures, they began aimlessly wandering for the butt-crack of doom. Being lazy little creatures, during one night's rest, Gollum (the extremely handsome) came upon his precious. Knowing it was kept well under security by a fat hobbit and a not-so-fat hobbit, he sat back and thought his wrestling moves out. Finally, he leapt forward and seized the ring, only to be bound and gagged by the cruel hobbits. Through blackmail, the poor creature, Gollum, was forced to take the hobbits to Mordor. He did, however, gain trust from gullible Frodo through pity.

"It burns!" said Gollum, speaking of the Elvish rope that held him secure.

"What?" asked Frodo.

"It freezes!" said Gollum.

"How on earth can it burn and freeze at the same time?" asked Frodo.

"It freezer-burns!" cried Gollum.

"Oh," said Frodo, after a thoughtful fart. Not to be 'crude,' but Frodo did show a lot of resemblance to Bilbo. So Frodo removed the rope, and Gollum led the way. After a short schizophrenic experience, Gollum got himself straightened out for a while, and all was well.

In following Merry and Pippin: The two hobbits were riding piggy-back on two obliging uruk-hai, and the dialogue between the two races was agreeable.

Pippin finished his sentence he had been saying before we came in on them: "And so the hobbit said to the elf, 'With feet like these, who needs Nair?'" And the uruks all burst into approving laughter. At the next rest-stop they came to, Ugluk passed around the bottle of grog... the type of grog that has less water and more rum, and maybe some vodka, Jack Daniels, Sprite, and a twist of lemon.

"Hey," said Pippin to one of the uruks. "My friend there got a splinter from Bucklebury Ferry... do you suppose you could lend him some drink?"

"But of course!" replied the obliging uruk, and instantly drenched Merry with the grog.

"kaff kaff It tries to chokes us!" gagged Merry.

"Wrong character, dearie," said the obliging uruk who was providing Merry the transport.

"Whoops."

"Here," said Ugluk, looking around at his troops. "My men are tired of hauling your little hobbit-butts everywhere. We're no Bill the Pony! It's high time you started hoofin' it on your own!" And the obliging uruks agreed with their lieutenant. So, Merry and Pippin were hoisted down, and began to hoof it.

"A hobbit, a pony, and an orc walk into a bar..."

In following Aragorn, Gimli, and What's-His-Name: They ran like hares with their britches on fire.

Back to the Uruks, Merry, and Pippin: After hoofing it for quite a while, they came to a fine rest stop near the edge of Fangorn Forest. Grishnakh came up to the hobbits and grinned.

"Now, no funny stuff while we try to rustle up somethin' to eat, ya hear?"

Pippin burst into laughter. "'Funny stuff!' Wa ha ha! Oh, that's a good one! 'Funny stuff,' he says! Wa ha ha!"

Grishnakh gave Pippin a withering look. "That's not how I meant it."

"Oh."

Snaga, one of the more impatient orcs, said, "Oh, heck with it. We've dragged this furry critters all over the Riddermark, it's about time we just up and eat them. Eh?"

A few of the other orcs put in their agreeing "Eh's," but it was Ugluk who crashed the party. "Nope! These buggers go right to Saruman, at his Loo Tower." And at this most of the uruks giggled. You see, they called the two towers that Sauron and Saruman lived in the "Loo Towers" because they often bestowed what they thought of Saruman at the base of his tower, and it made quite a rank smell. No longer was Saruman's tower called Isengard, but now, a loo.

"Awww," said Snaga. "I was SO looking forward to eatin' 'em." And so the uruks entertained themselves by doing party tricks that required flipping yourself upside down and holding a match to your posterior end. Merry and Pippin were having an enjoyable time watching the uruks, too.

"It's better than fireworks!" commented Merry. But soon came the valiant Rohirrim, and crashed all the uruks' party by killing them all. At first Merry and Pippin were quite unhappy, but then they realized it would be a good idea to run away and try to re-group with the rest of the Fellowship. So away they squirmed until their bonds were cut, and they ran into Fangorn Forest.

Gollum slowly wove his way through the Dead Marshes.

"It's so quiet in here... too quiet," Frodo murmured.

"No, no crunchable birdses," sobbed Gollum.

"And it smells of sulfur here!" complained Sam.

Frodo looked sheepish. "Oh, sorry, that was me."

Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas finally came to a place where they saw severely spiked grog drying on the grass.

"Uruks were here," stated Aragorn.

"No duh," said Gimli, noting the burnt patches of grass and the odor leftover from the uruks' party tricks. Then the three saw something coming, and scooted their hineys out of the way.

As hundreds of splendid horses thundered past them, Aragorn stated the obvious once more: "Oh, it's only the Rohirrim. Hey! Rohirrim!" And hence brought all the hundreds of horses back towards him... and was promptly surrounded and threatened, not only by spear, but by disapproving looks from the horses, for they were headed to the stable for their portion of grain.

"It's not often that a man, a dwarf, and a lady come into the Riddermark," said one rider, dismounting and patting his horse.

"I'm not a lady! I'm a male elf!" whined Legolas.

"If your head were just a little bit uglier, I would chop it off," bluntly remarked the rider.

"Eh, as much as we would like that, we're on business here," said Aragorn. "We're looking for two little furry buggers being hauled around by bigger, somewhat uglier buggers. You seen 'em?"

"Why, sure!" said the rider, pulling off his helmet and revealing himself as Eomer. "We killed 'em all a ways back! Used the very matches they were using for party tricks to burn their carcasses!"

"Ooo," came the collective response from the three.

"Ironic," said Aragorn. "Well, that's a bummer. But your horses look mighty fine. Would you mind lending us some of your Mearas?"

"Hee hee," said Eomer, calling over a glossy chestnut and a grey. "These are ehem ehem FIIINE horses! They've got ehem ehem SPIRIT, and lot's of ENERGY to carry you!"

"Fine, fine," said Aragorn, stroking Hasufel and speaking in Elvish, telling him what an elegant and handsome horse he was. Hasufel tossed his gorgeous head and allowed Aragorn to get in the saddle.

"Get me up, I'm a rider!" said Gimli, and with a boost, he was on Arod. He patted Arod's neck and grinned as Arod burred his thanks.

"I don't like horses," said Legolas, to which Arod promptly swung his head around and knocked Legolas down.

"Stupid beast! Let me on!" whined Legolas, standing up and putting a foot in the stirrup. Hasufel promptly bit Legolas on the butt, and Legolas was hence forced to walk. They got to the pile of uruk-ash, and Aragorn looked around.

"Look! Hobbit-tracks! Very distinctive. They went to Fangorn Forest!"

"Dang," said Gimli. "Well, we were almost rid of them." And so into Fangorn they went.

Pippin and Merry scampered up a tree, and awoke Treebeard. They had been followed by Grishnakh for a while, and had come across the startling truth that he wanted to eat them. They thought they had lost him in the woods, but soon the orc came crashing in.

Once they saw Grishnakh (somehow he had miraculously escaped the Rohirrim and had followed the Happy Hobbit Meals,) they rapped on Treebeard's head and cried:  
"Attack! Attack!" and pointed at Grishnakh in a frenzy. Treebeard, unsure what to do, squished Grishnakh and started to squish the hobbits.

"You cruel, cruel tree!" cried the hobbits. "Some friend you are!"

"I am no inanimate object of flora! I'm an Ent, and proud of it," said Treebeard.

"Well, then, don't squish us! We like trees!" cried the hobbits.

"How am I supposed to deduce that? Your visages appear to be orcish, and your names appear to be orcish. By reasoning, then, you are orcs," said Treebeard.

"Man, you all messed up," said Merry.

"The alabaster sorcerer shall know," said Treebeard.

"Say what?" asked the hobbits.

"But he speaks nice to us!" cried Sméagol.

"He's a Baggins!" snarled Gollum.

"You don't know that!" whimpered Sméagol.

"He chugs burritos in no time flat!" argued Gollum.

"That doesn't mean anything! Lot's of people like Mexican food!" said Sméagol.

"Have you heard that guy fart?" growled Gollum.

"Ohhh, yeah, you're right. Yup, he's a Baggins," Sméagol gave in.

"We kill him!" cried Gollum triumphantly.

"Why?" inquired Sméagol.

"Because he smells," stated Gollum.

"That could be the fat hobbit's toenail fungus," reasoned Sméagol.

"No, I'm quite sure it's the Baggins, it's got to be the Baggins, it IS the Baggins!" yelled Gollum.

"Oh shut up and go away," snapped Sméagol.

"What? You very, very extremely stupid boy!" sputtered the indignant Gollum.

"We don't need you! Get outta here, scram!" screamed Sméagol.

There came no reply.

"Ha ha! Sméagol free, Sméagol free!" Sméagol rejoiced. And just at that moment, Frodo farted in his sleep.

"Dang," said Sméagol. The next morning, Sméagol brought Frodo two coneys.

"Look! See what we gets!" crowed Sméagol.

"How'd you get these?" Frodo asked, slightly curious as to why there were odd little lumps under the rabbits' skins.

"With my .22 BB gun, what else?" said Sméagol, picking one up and digging in.

"That's sick!" said Sam, snatching both rabbits. "I'll be the one to fix these."

"You sick, sick hobbit! Oh, you're disgusting!" cried Sméagol a few minutes later, once he saw the rabbit stew. He stormed off unhappily to brood over his lost breakfast. Frodo went off in search of Sméagol, and Sam exasperatedly washed his pots and pans and put the stew in a Ziploc container before scurrying off to follow Frodo. He found Frodo leaning over a precipice, watching oliphaunts and Easterlings get their parade rained on by a volley of arrows.

"It's like a circus, only there's more mayhem!" commented Sam. When all the dust had settled down, Faramir and his band of merry men were standing behind the hobbits.

"Oy!" said Faramir, nudging Frodo with his toe.

"Aiye!" yelped Frodo before getting snagged, bound, and gagged.

"Unhand him, or I'll have you, Longshanks!" yelled Sam.

"Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition!" said a merry man before snagging, binding, and gagging Sam.

"Take them to... the COMFY CHAIR!" said Faramir, and he marched off to their cave, followed by his whooping and cheering band of merry men.

Aragorn, Gimli, and Blondie met up with Gandalf, who told them a rather strange yarn about going to Wizard Heaven but getting kicked out because he wasn't ripe yet. Though the other three thought Gandalf had been nipping at the cooking sherry a bit too much, they still went with him, because he had a designated driver: Shadowfax. Off the four rode to the Golden Hall, and met King Théoden, who looked vaguely like a vegetable at the time.

"Yo, Theody, my man!" said Gandalf.

"You ain't welcome here, mister magician!" said Grima the Green.

"Bring your pretty face to my axe!" said Gimli, who tackled Grima and held him secure.

"I command you, Saruman, to git yo' hiney outta my homey!" said Gandalf.

"No way, dude!" said Théoden.

"Git!" yelled Gandalf. Théoden gave a fart, and was relieved. Eowyn, the Wide-Eyed, ran to catch Théoden from toppling over from his tremendous fart. Not to be 'crude,' but Saruman always had liked Mexican food.

"Pull yourself together and get your peeps to Helm's Deep! Lot's o' men are coming to git you!" warned Gandalf.

"Okay," said King Théoden, so everyone packed up and went on their way to Helm's Deep. Legolas (who was still forced to walk) ran ahead of them all, and saw a bunch of dog-like creatures running towards him.

"Aww, puppies! Come here, come here, goochie-goochie-goo!" said Legolas, until the first Warg came and toppled him over. As all the Riders of Rohan galloped forward to kill the Wargs and their riders, Legolas thought he could outsmart Arod. As Arod galloped forward, Legolas reached out for the breastplate of Arod and grabbed it, readying himself to be flung into the saddle. Instead, the breastplate broke, and Legolas fell under Arod, causing Arod to shy away and give Legolas a well-placed boot to the head. Gimli cackled gleefully until he fell off himself, and from there he went right into hacking Wargs. When it was all over, Sharku the Warg Rider giggled through his dying moments.

"What you giggling at?" asked Gimli.

"You're little friend took a tumble off the cliff!" said Sharku, giggling insanely again. Gimli began to giggle too, for orc-laughter is quite contagious.

"Yer crazy," he laughed, giving Sharku a slap on the back, which caused Sharku to inhale himself and promptly die.

"Whoops," said Gimli, then he went to the cliff and looked over. "Good. Now Hasufel is mine!" he giggled, and went back to collect the two horses.

"But where Aragorn?" asked Eowyn when she saw King Théoden and Gimli ride in. King Théoden jerked his thumb at Gimli and rode off.

"He took a little tumble off the cliff!" Gimli giggled, and rode away to find the stables. Unfortunately, at that very moment, Aragorn was washed-up on a river bank, and Brego, the extremely handsome and MOST loyal horse, had gone over to Aragorn, slobbered on him, and gotten Aragorn onto his back. A day later, Aragorn arrived at Helm's Deep.

"Oh! Aragorn! Back so soon?" Gimli asked.

Legolas walked up, holding a bag of frozen peas to the hoof-shaped bruise on his head. "You look awful," he said.

"Look who's talking," stated Aragorn, and he walked off to find Théoden and warn him about the thousands of orcs coming to get the inhabitants of Rohan.

"Pippin!" said Merry, who had just woken up in the 'house' of Treebeard and discovered Pippin sitting by a stream. "You just said something tree-ish!"

"No, I didn't!" said Pippin. "It was just indigestion."

"It was definitely tree-ish!" argued Merry.

Pippin farted. "See?" Not to be 'crude,' but Ent-water was indeed prone to make one a bit gassy.

"Come along, hobbits," said Treebeard, walking in and snatching the two. "We are going to attend the gathering of large deciduous and coniferous tree-herders, so called an Ent-moot."

"I have no idea what you said, but I'm game anyway," said Pippin.

"Poke them with... the FLUFFY PILLOWS!" ordered Faramir. His merry men cackled and began poking Frodo and Sam with fluffy pillows.

"It's not working, sir!" said a merry man.

"Are you sure? Have you got all the stuffing in one end?" Faramir asked.

"Yes, sir!" replied the merry man.

"Hm, these hobbits are made of tougher stuff than we thought!" Faramir brooded in thought for a while. "Very well. Take them to... the SKULKING FRIEND!"

"There was nobody else with us!" objected Frodo.

"Oh, is that so?" taunted Faramir. "Then who is THIS!" And Faramir showed Frodo the Forbidden Pool, which, at the moment, held one extremely happy Sméagol.

"So juicy sweeeeeet!"

"Shall I kill 'im, since you don't know 'im?" asked Faramir.

"Not my poor Sméagol! Lemme go down and talk with him," begged Frodo.

"Liar," said Faramir, but he let Frodo go. The moment Frodo got Sméagol's trust, Faramir's merry men bagged Sméagol and hauled him away. Back at the cave, they punted Sméagol about for a while before interrogating him.

"Cruel men!" simpered Sméagol.

"I told you he was a Baggins!" taunted Gollum.

"But it was mens that hurts us, not Bagginses!" said Sméagol through his tears.

"I bets the men like Mexican food," persuaded Gollum.

"I bets you're right! It smells like burritos in here!" said Sméagol, slowly being overtaken by Gollum.

"Yes! And they have it!" Gollum sneered.

"What? What do you we have?" Faramir asked, having overheard everything the schizophrenic had said.

"My... precious!"

"So that's what the bugger is hiding!" Faramir said, and immediately trooped down to see Frodo.

"Awright, gimme the ring right now, you little bugger," he demanded.

"No! Agck!" said Frodo, fleeing.

"Oh, knock it off! Can't you see we've got enough on our hands?" Sam cried.

"No, you have a very small thing in your hands, and I want it. You'll go to Osgiliath, with me," Faramir decided. And off they went.

"Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..." Pippin drowsily sang. It had been quite a while since the Entmoot began, and he was running out of ideas with which to entertain himself.

"Com'on, com'on, com'on, com'on, com'on!" yelled Merry. "What's the hold up, eh?"

"We Ents never say anything unless it's worth taking a very long time to say. We were just talking about the Wall Street Journal, and how the stocks in fertilizer have gone up 2.14 percent," Treebeard said.

"And what about the war?" Merry pried.

"War? Oh, right, the war. We are not going into any prolonged battle type of scene, and we will remain in our sylvan abodes to weather out the storm," Treebeard said.

"Storm, my hiney!" said Merry. "We's gots to get out into there and fight!"

"That's your problem, not mine. I'll be taking you to our borders, and then you can go to your own original dwellings."

"Wait," interjected Pippin. "Take us south."

"Are you mentally disturbed, my diminutive acquaintance? That would take us by Isengard!"

"Aye, that's my point," said Pippin. This rather short, quick, and blatant response confused the Ent for a moment, and in the end Treebeard went along with it, in thoughts that maybe trying something new would be good for him. Unfortunately, it only led him to see all the trees that Saruman had chopped down.

"Agck!" said Treebeard. "These were my foremost and dearest acquaintances! Foliage I had known from seed and nut! Agck! We are going to war! Come on, ladies!" And with that, the Ents tromped down to trash Isengard.

Aragorn, Gimli, and El Barfo got into armor. It was indeed tense, because all their soldiers were either kiddies or grandpas. Not the best battalion Middle-Earth had ever seen, but the appearance of Haldir the Short-Lived and his elves helped somewhat.

They could hear the uruks in the distance, shouting, "Left! Left! Left, right left! I hear that in the army, the food is mighty fine! First we had ten hobbits, now we have just nine! Left! Left! Left, right, left!"

"Oo," said Aragorn. "These guys are good."

At Osgiliath, Faramir showed up in time to see Osgiliath get trashed by Wraiths on Fell Beasts. He stuffed the two hobbits and Gollum in a corner and ran off to fight the uruks and wraiths. Frodo, in a moment of mental insanity, walked onto a parapet and held the ring out to the Wraith and Fell Beast.

The Fell Beast lowered himself until he was eye-to-eye with the hobbit, and a ghastly voice came from the back of the Beast: "Will you be my pal?"

"No!" said Frodo, and he quickly tried to cram the ring on his finger. Startled, and a little bit hurt, the Fell Beast reared up and took a snatch at Frodo. But, unfortunately, Sam came along and toppled Frodo over. Frodo promptly attempted to slaughter Sam, but was dissuaded by Sam's quick talking.

"It's me! Your Sam! You know... the comfy chair? The fluffy pillows? Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition?"

"Oh," said Frodo, dropping his sword. "I feel woozy."

"Yeah, me too. We shouldn't have eaten those toads back in the Dead Marshes," said Sam.

"I can't go on... I feel that I must throw up," said Frodo.

"So do all who live to eat such bad things, but in the end, lembas gets the clogs out," Sam sighed.

"puke"

The uruks were swarming all over Helm's Deep.

Aragorn, who was back in the main heart of Helm's Deep with King Théoden, gave the report. "My mistress is pooped, the Reds have Oklahoma, and I'm going home."

Gimli looked out the window, and stated the obvious, "Look, dawn's a-comin'."

"Yahoo!" said Aragorn. "Ol' Gandy should be coming to save our hineys!"

"Yahoo!" said Théoden. "To death, to glory, and a red dawn!"

"Say what?" asked Aragorn.

"I dunno... I just thought it sounded dramatic," Théoden admitted sheepishly. Aragorn gave Théoden a cuff on the back of the head, grinned, and they rode out, scattering uruks and orcs like a fart in an open field. Sho' 'nuff, Ol' Gandy came plunging down a steep hill, followed by all the Rohirrim he could muster. And hence, the valiant horses saved Rohan's hineys.

After the Ents had had a rousing time destroying Isengard and enjoyed a pool party, they set about to making sure that screwy wizard and that little green fella didn't escape the tower. In the meanwhile, Merry and Pippin had found Saruman's food and tobacco stash, and were quickly getting stoned. All was well that ended well, or so they yodeled.

Faramir dropped the hobbits and Gollum off in a sewer pipe.

"I see now what you guys are up against. You're free to go."

"You are most valiant, and the captain has shown his worth," Frodo said.

"To heck with that," said Faramir. "Toodles, it was nice knowing ya!" As the hobbits walked off, Faramir grabbed Gollum and put him in a headlock.

"If you so much as fart in their general direction, I'll neuter you on spot."

"Ok," gasped Gollum. And so, off they went for Mordor.

Coming soon: Return of the Thing!

Return of the Thing

Once upon a time, in a land far away, some people were trying to finish up a spoof on Lord of the Rings, written by a person with far too much time on their hands. These people had already survived through the first two parts, and after drinking a bottle of Pepto Bismal to relieve the burritos previously eaten, they were ready to continue the story.

So, Frodo and Sam are sitting in a cave. Gollum pokes his little head over the edge.

"Stupid hobbits! Always sleeping in so late! Always eating too much Mexican food! Up up up!"

Frodo groggily gets up, with the assistance of Sam, and they walk away. "How does he know when we eat Mexican food?" Frodo asks.

"How can he not?" Sam says.

Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, and Numbnuts arrived upon the scene of Isengard to see Merry and Pippin sitting on a rock, still stoned out of their minds.

"My, what a lovely bunch of coconuts!" Pippin drawled when he saw the four riders.

"Foo' of a Took," Gandalf snarled. Pippin began laughing uncontrollably, and fell off his rock. When he stood up, he saw something pretty underneath the water.

"My, what a lovely coconut!" he said, and took it in his hands.

"Give that here this instant, Foo', or I'll knock your coconut good and hard," Gandalf threatened, reaching for the palantir Pippin held.

"I like the vans without the windows," Pippin said indignantly, giving the palantir to Gandalf and staggering away. Merry was sitting on the rock still, laughing his head off for no reason, until Gandalf rode by and took Merry into the saddle with him.

"Oy! Puzz me down, yuh big galoot!" objected Merry, still somewhat disoriented. Aragorn stooped from Brego's saddle and took Pippin. Gimli rode alone, giggling to himself, and stealing glances back at Legolas, who was slogging through the flooded grounds of Isengard on foot. Arod was still rather sore at the elf. They rode to Edoras, and set up guard there.

"It's like a slumber party!" said Merry, feeling a little better in the noggin than he had recently been. While Merry and Gimli entertained themselves by practicing the party tricks Merry had learned from the uruks, Pippin slinked off to see that lovely coconut again. He snatched it out of Gandalf's reach.

"Stinky ol' coot," he said, sticking his tongue out. And, my, it was a lovely coconut! Until it fried what little brains he had left. Ooo, then Gandalf was madder than a hornet.

"You! Come! Now!" and he took Pippin off to Gondor.

Merry, however, stuck around with Eowyn and Eomer.

"So, uh, I'm guessing there's a family connection between you two?" he asked Eowyn.

"Gee, how'd ya guess that?" Feeling a bit saucy, Merry took his little sword and twirled it about, hoping to pick up a few Rohirrim chicks. Unfortunately for him, most everyone in the camp was a Rohirrim rooster, excusing Eowyn, so Merry only appeared to be a whirligig.

"Hi, ol' Denny, ol' pal, ol' chum!" Gandalf said brightly as he entered Denethor's hall.

"From his looks, I'd say he's more of an "Ol' Chumbucket"," Pippin said. Gandalf started to giggle but had to suppress it.

"All hail my stinky life. I wish I was a flaming ball of bacon," Denethor said.

"Oh... eh heh... so, you've heard about Boromir, then?" Gandalf asked tentatively.

"No, I was just contemplating why hair constantly comes out of my ears!"

"Touchy, aren't we?"

"It's my fault! All my fault! I should be dutifully keelhauled! Or at least accepted into your army!" Pippin bawled, to the chagrin of Gandalf.

Denethor brightened considerably. "I'll take the latter. Your armor is in the closet to the left, the scroll with the oath to memorize is in the secretary's office, get back here tomorrow at two o'clock sharp to be initiated, no pressure, good-bye."

Elrond appears at the Rohirrim camp and delivers Narsil to Aragorn.

"Now go out there and chop dem bad guys, cowboy!" Elrond said.

"But, Hidalgo's at my ranch!"

"Brego will do just fine," Elrond rolled his eyes. So Aragorn steathily sneaked into the night to go through the Path of the Dead, followed only by Gimli, Snotface, a clingy Eowyn, and a curious camp full of Rohirrim.

"I'm a sucker for you Aragorn! Don't leave me!" said Eowyn.

"Yes, you are a sucker," said Aragorn. And with that, he and his two friends left to recruit some troops.

Gandalf took hold of Pippin's shoulders, and shook him real hard.

"Now you listen here! You gots to go climb that big ol' tower right over dere and light that beacon. Do you understand me!"

"Aye! Don't hurt me!" said Pippin, a bit rattled. Off he went, and up the tower he scrambled until he got to the top. But, O horror, the wood would not light with just the lantern. It was time for the dense hobbit to think fast! What could he do, what could he do? What DID he do? Well, he just flipped himself right over and held a match to his posterior end.

"Oo," said Pippin. "Toasty."

"Uh, me no likey this here place!" said Gimli.

"Well, I'm not afraid," sniffed Mr. Tresemmé. To that Brego promptly planted another horseshoe-shaped bruise up the side of Legolas' head.

"Don't mess with da horses," Aragorn warned, stroking Brego and dismounting. Gimli, having had the stirrups pulled up so high to accommodate his short legs, just fell off Arod.

Then, a most un-pleasant voice came on the wind from the tunnel: "Hey... you... yeah, you... the one standing with a stupid look on his face... c'mere." The horses rightfully freaked out and left that place.

"Good," pouted Legolas. "I'm glad they're gone. Awful beasts." To that Aragorn and Gimli promptly smacked Legolas upside the head, and they all trooped inside. Once in the main cavern, a thousand gleaming faces appeared.

"Will you be our pal?"

"No," said Aragorn.

"KILLLL!!!" cried the ghosts.

"No, you will be MY pal," Aragorn stated.

"Mm?" asked the Ghost King.

"I say it one more time, and I ain't gonna say it again after this: You will be my pal," Aragorn huffed.

"Oo! Ah! Well I never! Tsk tsk tsk!" said the Ghost King.

"Talk to the sword," Aragorn said, drawing out Narsil.

"Oo!! Ah!! Well I never!! Tsk tsk tsk!!" said the Ghost King, and he sat down and took up a thoughtful pose. Tittering went through the multitude of ghosts.

"Alright, you win," said the Ghost King.

"I will go, and slaughter every orc in the Osgiliath!" said Faramir.

"Nobody gives a rat's hoot," Denethor snarled.

"Well fine!" and Faramir stormed off.

"That wasn't very nice..." Pippin said.

"Oh, it wasn't eh?" Denethor snapped.

"Well, I-"

"You're giving orders to ME now, eh?"

"Well, I-"

"Oh, that's gonna change! You are sentenced to sing me... The Little Teapot song!" Denethor slammed his fist on the table.

"Uh, ok. 'I'm a little teapot, short and stout-"

"You got that right," Denethor interjected.

"Here is my handle, here is my spout..."

(We see Faramir get impaled by many arrows outside the castle walls as Pippin continues singing...)

"... When I get all steamed up, hear me shout..."

(We see Faramir get dragged back to the castle by his ever-loyal horse, and his troops retreat)

"... Sock it to me, baby, let it all hang out!"

"Mm?" Denethor asked.

"Nothing," Pippin quickly said, then hid his mirthful face by pretending to sob.

Gandalf walked into the room and announced, "Yo, my main man. Yer son's out there, all... eh... 'beaten up'."

"Mortally?" Denethor asked.

"Perhaps."

"Great! Fire up the grill, boys!"

"Say what?" Gandalf gave a double-take.

"Hey, we're all gonna die, I might as well go up in a flaming ball of bacon!"

"That doesn't make sense to me," said Pippin after a thoughtful fart. Not to be 'crude,' but singing did tend to make Pippin gassy.

"It's twue! It's twue! Ah ha ha ha haaa!" Denethor began running around in little circles, cackling maniacally, until Gandalf whacked him upside the head.

"There," Gandalf said, giving a fart of his own and feeling much better.

"Fat hobbits going to ask you for the precious! It's twue!" said Gollum.

"Say, Mr. Frodo, it's such a burden for you! Couldn't I carry it for a while and share the load?" Sam asked.

"Agck!" said Frodo. "It's mine, mine, mine! All mine! Bwa ha! And you can't have it! No, precious, you can't! Mine, mine, mine! Leave me alone!" And he and Gollum went up the stairs of Cirith Ungol, leaving an utterly broken hobbit to sob and fart in peace. They arrived at a cavern, which left Frodo with a most awful, gut-wrenching feeling. But then he gave a fart, and felt much better, and charged in. Not to be 'crude,' but gas ran pretty deep in Frodo's family. Soon it became quite apparent that Gollum had scrambled away, and now Frodo had to find his way out alone.

Shelob awoke. "Who dat leaving stinkies in my cave?" and she scuttled into her lair to catch the culprit. Frodo popped out of the cave, alive and well, only to find Gollum there.

"Hee hee, that was fun, wasn't it, our precious? Hee hee?" Gollum said, slowly inching away from Frodo.

"O-o-o-h no you don't!" said Frodo, and he picked up Gollum and flung him over a cliff. And there was great sadness. But, luckily for us, Shelob came and stabbed Frodo.

"No more caramel corn for me!" she chuckled gleefully as she wrapped the hobbit up. But, unluckily for us, Sam came and gave a sucker-punch, below the belt, on Shelob. Blood and snot and spit and stuff was everywhere as Shelob dragged herself back into her cave.

"Oh, Frodo! You're so lactose-intolerant!" sobbed Sam. A couple orcs came walking down the path.

"Hey, check it out!" said Lugdush, as Sam scampered behind a corner. "It's a hobbit!"

"No duh," said a second orc.

"Oh! Man! That's rank!" said Lugdush.

"I think this hobbit likes Mexican food! Let's leave him," said the second orc.

"Naw, let's take him back to the tower. Maybe he has change in his pockets," suggested a third. After a moment of thought, the orcs agreed, and hoisted Frodo up and took him to Mordor.

"Hey," said Sam. "I should have that pocket change!" And he ran after the orcs.

"Now, my worthless son, we shall crisp!" Denethor rubbed his hands together gleefully. Having donned his most flammable coat, he poured kerosene all over Faramir and himself.

"Agck!" said Pippin, giving a fart of surprise.

"You are not welcome here!" Denethor shouted. "You might light me before I'm ready. Out you go!" and he shoved Pippin out.

"Agck! Gandalf, Gandalf!" Pippin ran for the wizard.

"What, boy, what, what, WHAT?" Gandalf asked, quite peeved.

"Denethor's grilling weenies!"

"Oh my goodness!" said Gandalf, and stupendous Shadowfax swept both of them back to the barbeque pit.

"Stop! In the name of love!" said Gandalf, bursting in.

"Oh, that's so early '60s!" Denethor sneered, snatching a torch.

"Agck!" said Pippin, who yanked Faramir off the table.

"Oof!" said Faramir. "That was unpleasant. What's the deal?"

"My son! You're alive!" Denethor said, astonished and growing a little bit hot around the collar.

"Unfortunately, Pa, in a few seconds, you ain't gonna be likewise," Faramir coughed through the smoke. "Why do I smell like kerosene?" But it was too late. Denethor's particularly flammable overcoat went up like a flaming ferret, and Denethor dived off the edge of Minas Tirith. And there was great rejoicing.

"About daggone time!" sighed a frustrated orc captain. "Those sea-orcs take SO long to get here!"

"Avast, ye!" said Aragorn, leaping off.

"Arr! Prepare to get a broadside up your porthole!" Gimli said, hopping down.

"Arr, arr, arr!" said the ghosts, and swiftly slaughtered the orc population.

"Lemme hear you say, 'Uncle!' Come on, say it!" said the orc, whipping Frodo.

"Agck!" said Frodo.

"Lemme here YOU say, 'Uncle,' pal!" said Sam, stabbing the orc.

"Joy!" said Frodo. "I'm sorry I dumped you, left you, and mentally crushed you."

"No prob'," replied Sam. "Are you hurt? Are you ok?" Frodo farted.

"Yeah," Sam said. "You're ok."

Poor Snowmane! The world stood silent the moment Snowmane was stricken by the Fell beast. O sad fate! And to think that it all befell poor Snowmane just because Théoden said, "No, I will not be your pal." As the Fell beast moved in to enjoy a gourmet meal, it had it's head removed with great prejudice.

"Boy, what is your major malfunction!" yelled the Witch-King.

"I'm no boy!" returned the soldier who had done the deed. She then removed her helmet and tossed her hair, then applied some blush, lip gloss, and eyeliner before blowing a kiss at Snowmane and resuming her defiant position. "I'm a gal!"

"Blow my britches," whistled the Witch-King. "Nonetheless, you killed my Beast. Now I kill you." And he hacked, and chopped, and swung, and yet was sadly undone by a hobbit who crept up behind him and gave a sucker punch from the back. Then Eowyn rammed her sword through the Witch-King's helmet. She ran to a dying Théoden.

"The orcs are defeated, and the Witch-King is dead, father!" she cried joyously.

"It's just a flesh-wound," said the Witch-King.

"Flesh-wound?! I've rammed my sword through your bloomin' brains!" Eowyn said.

"I've had worse," the Witch-King said.

"Look, at this point you should be self-imploding," Eowyn reasoned.

"Oh, yeah. Darn." And the Witch-King self-imploded. But by now, Théoden had died, too, so in the end it equaled out.

"Come on, Mr. Frodo. A few more steps, then we'll be home-free," coaxed Sam.

"You lie. We're all going to die," said Frodo.

"Fine," said Sam, picking Frodo up and hauling him up to the butt-crack of doom. You see, Sam had indeed learned a lot from Bill.

"I'm not dead yet!" Gollum said.

"Did you just say that?" Sam asked Frodo.

"Say what?"

"Very clever for hobbits to climb so high, but it is very easy to track hobbits! Hobbits must quit eating Mexican food if they want to lose me!" Gollum said gleefully, tackling Sam and Frodo. Sam engaged in wrestling Gollum while Frodo made a break for the butt-crack of doom. Sauron felt the ring was about to be destroyed.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Sauron cried in Frodo's mind. Frodo paused at the entrance to the butt-crack of doom. "I'll make a deal with you," Sauron continued.

"What is it?" Frodo warily asked.

"Will you be my pal?"

"No!" Frodo ran into the mountain. Having disposed of Gollum, Sam ran in after Frodo.

"Destroy the ring!"

"Don't tell me what to do!" Frodo snarled. "In fact, I'll do just the opposite! Hey! Sauron! I'll be your pal! Bwa ha!" Frodo put the ring on.

"Daggone!" Sam cried in dismay. Gollum came flying in after the Sam, plowed Sam over, then leapt onto the invisible Frodo.

"Hobbits must stop eating Mexican food if they wants to lose me!" he reiterated, and chomped down on one of Frodo's fingers.

Frodo reappeared, clutching his hand and yelling, "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!"

"Yay! It's mine, all mine!" Gollum rejoiced, doing a Scrat-dance around the cliff.

Frodo walked over to Gollum. "Off ya go!" Frodo said, pushing Gollum off the cliff.

"Cruel, cruel hobbits!" Sauron said as the ring melted in the butt-crack of doom. "You said you'd be my pal!" And Sauron's towers crumbled into dust. Frodo and Sam ran down Mount Boom, but they were soon trapped on a rock, surrounded by lava.

"Mr. Frodo, if there was ever a time not to fart, now would be it," Sam warned.

"Ok," said Frodo, and he held it in. A most admirable thing to do. He soon passed out from pressure overload, and the eagles had to rescue him. Not to be 'crude,' but hobbits are, after all, quite gassy.

Once everybody had gotten together, they went to Aragorn's crowning. Afterwards, Aragorn met up with Arwen, Faramir met up with Eowyn, the hobbits got back to Hobbiton, Sam met up with Rosie, and finally they all met up with Gandalf and Galadriel at the Grey Havens.

"Well, toodles, peeps!" said Gandalf, getting onto the boat.

"Yes, farewell," said Bilbo, giving a fart and getting onto the boat.

"sob I'll miss you all so much! But good riddance to bad rubbish, I say!" Frodo said.

"Oy!" said Sam, Merry, and Pippin.

"Eh, well, on that note, hasta la vista!" Frodo quickly got onto the boat. As they sailed into the distance, they knew all would be well. Gandalf was bobbing his head, and singing along with his boom box: "Take me to the river! Drop me in the water! Take me to the river!..."

Rach 9/12/04 - 9/14/04


End file.
